Note: I hope it’s obvious, but this post is dripping with sarcasm.

Today I realized that I would not hit 1K - the upper echelon in United’s loyalty program (there’s actually a level above that that’s invite-only, but eh, technicalities). I ended up booking all of my flights for the rest of the year - turns out I’d be well over two grand in spend away from the coveted position. I’ll now have to endure months of mere Platinum status; when I sit in Economy Plus I will not be given a mediocre snackbox for free with a fancy-sounding marketing-derived name designed to evoke feelings of wanderlust. I will not enjoy the gift of 280 PlusPoints, which can elevate travel from ordinary to extraordinary as I get upgraded to United’s First Class cabin, replete with wider seats, as I sit amongst people that either (1) have more money than sense, (2) are also spending other people’s money on airfare, or (3) just got lucky when they got upgraded. Worst of all, I’ll only earn 9x the miles on each dollar spent on airfare, instead of the double-digits 11x for 1K members.

And then, to make matters worse - I won’t be hitting Marriott Bonvoy Platinum status either. My bonus points earn rate is a mere 25% instead of 50%; now I’ll accrue points at a slower rate than my Platinum-endowed peers (again, there are higher tiers, but one step at a time). I’ll be forced to check out of my hotel at 2pm instead of 4pm; I very much would have enjoyed the extra two hours in the Heavenly Bed with my complimentary water bottles (worry not, I’m sure that the recycling bins don’t actually get emptied into the same dumpster).

Woe is me! If only I had worked harder! Spent more time on the road, away from the denizens of my home office. What is in Houston, anyways? I’ve explored Los Angeles, Denver, Austin! Well, perhaps just the 5-block walk over from the office to the hotel, but I’ve gotten a taste of the restaurants through Uber Eats! I’ve met the locals - the drivers associated with the same company. Besides, what would I do in Houston during the week anyways? That’s for working - Sunday night to Friday at 5 (sometimes 6, on terrible occasions 7, thankfully never past 8). All I need to keep me cheery is the occasional workout and the hour spent with my long-distance girlfriend. The best part - with all of this travel, I get to see her more often! And soon I’ll move over to her - I’ll earn the same salary despite the massive increase in taxes and cost of living, but I’ll now get to spend much more time with her! I’ll be able to enjoy the benefits of proximity whenever she drops me off to the airport for me to travel to the client site 50% of weeks.

It’s not the worst, I suppose. The team is planning an epic team event on a weekend where we’re in the same city back-to-back. I’ll get to spend the weekend away from home, getting to explore and enjoy a city with my co-workers. We already spend 55 hours a week together, so I know we’ll get along well enough.